It's Lent, time to fast...

This time of year fills me with all sorts of feelings.  I guess I'd say it's the time of year I feel most Catholic, from the ash on my forehead on Ash Wednesday, to the meatless Fridays, to the intense ceremony of the Triduum.  This has been a favorite time of year for me when I've been heavily involved with a choir, and a bittersweet time of year when I've been missing home and family.  This year, Lent snuck up on me, for a lot of reasons.  I could claim being a busy mom or my job, or my husband being on a business trip, but I know it has mostly to do with my estrangement from my "home" church (the details for another time, another post).  For the first time in years, I have absolutely no idea where I'll be spending Easter, other than somewhere in New York City, and there's a good chance I will not be singing Holy Thursday through Easter Sunday morning.  Music and worship have been intricately connected to me for most of my Catholic life, and this time of year more than any other.  Not having a clear idea of where, or if I'll be singing, strangely isn't as devastating as I might have thought this time last year.  I'm oddly calm, and actually looking at the uncertainty as an opportunity to reflect on my Lenten "fast" this year.

Now as a child, I often "gave up" gum, or sweets, but usually gum because it was harder.  As I grew to adulthood in the church, sometimes I fasted from a favorite food, but often it was from a behavior I wanted to reconsider:  my salty language, procrastination, my aversion to physical exertion.  As Lent caught me by surprise this year, I didn't even begin my reflection on my fasting plans this year until I was walking into church on Ash Wednesday.  And since I found myself back at the church I've called home for ten years, with still many feelings of loss and betrayal and anger swirling around me, I wondered if I hadn't been reflective and penitent enough already.

And of course, the voice of God comes to me so much clearer in moments like this, and I found myself really thinking about what I should and need to fast from this year:

• anger at a situation that I will not be able to change
• hurt over the loss of a community that has nourished me
• feeling overwhelmed and unable to move on

Oh, there will be other tangible demonstrations of Lent for me this year.  At least one credit card will be staying home for the duration (and may not return, even after Easter).  The gym bag that finally made it to my office will drag me down a few short blocks at least once a week.  And I am going to try that "listening twice as much as speaking" again for yet another year.  But the fast from my feelings of hurt and loss has already gotten me to a reflective place for the Lenten journey.  And I just might find myself singing on Easter Sunday with people I know and love and people I've just met.

Wherever I am, "the spirit of God will be upon me," and I shall "be not afraid."